September Issue

When I first began mountain biking, I quickly found it was not like the type of bike riding I did when I was a kid. It's not "jump on the bike and ride all day." It's much different! There are so many moving parts like front and back sprockets, brake levers, and multiple shifting systems. Add to this the extreme terrain, and it gets very confusing.

Today, I own most of the gear that is "required" for the sport. Basically, I have everything needed except for...the needed skills and the personal coaching.

On a recent ride I began to think about how little I know about this sport. I really need a coach/mentor. I have so many technical questions. I'm not always sure when is the best time to shift on different slopes. I have front shocks that need to be adjusted based on the terrain and I don't have the slightest idea what to do. My list of "how to" questions could fill pages.

As I was riding and thinking about my need for a mountain bike coach/mentor, I began to think about the teenagers in our homes and the process of faith development. What are we doing with all their questions about following Christ? Do we even know the questions they're asking (or not asking)? Or, do we assume they'll catch everything about Jesus as they begin their "ride with him"?

Much like I need a riding coach, teenagers need a "Jesus coach." While mountain biking is much more complex than "jump on a bike"...so following Jesus is much more complex than a simple "go to church."

Could it be that we, as parents, have become good at getting kids involved at church...but we're not so good at coaching them on how to walk with Jesus? I fear that if they don't know how to walk with Jesus, when they graduate from high school and go on to college and their adult lives, they will also graduate away from church and perhaps even Jesus.

Some questions: (1) Do your kids know that you want to coach them in the ways of Jesus? (2) Do they know they can ask simple questions and have a confidence that you will care enough not to laugh at their questions? (3) Do they know that in you, they have someone to "ride with" even though they struggle and occasionally fall?

Jesus spent most of his time with the few, pouring into their lives. I'd like to suggest that your "few" are living within the walls of your home. They don't need to be told to "go to church," they need you: a coaching, listening, loving, and caring you.

Most parents of teenage girls have one struggle in common: the consistent battle over wardrobe!

A mom recently shared with me the difficulty of monitoring her daughter's wardrobe. She divulged, "We finally decided, no Yoga pants out of the house."

As the father of two daughters, I laughed. "I just had the yoga pants battle last week with my daughters. We established, only if they were wearing a sweater that completely covered the butt. But then when they were trying on sweaters, the argument was whether the butt was truly covered or not."

She rolled her eyes. "We went through the same thing last Tuesday."

Today it's yoga pants; tomorrow it will be v-necks. The battles might look a little different, but it's the same war. The difficult part is discovering the balance between being over-protective and overly permissive. The goal would be to create some realistic guardrails that equip our daughters to begin making these decisions for themselves.

So what are fair and "realistic" wardrobe guardrails for our daughters? After all, any parent of a teenage girl will attest, it's difficult to shop for our girls today.

We have some good friends at our church who raised three amazing daughters, all gorgeous. Their mom wasn't overprotective with them in any way, but at the same time, taught them modesty. In the mornings, her girls would often find themselves trying on an outfit and asking, "How's this look?" or, "Is this too revealing?" One of the phrases this mom would always use was, "Reach to the sky, then touch your toes. If anything shows... it goes." In short, if too much skin was exposed when they reached up or bent over... the outfit wasn't appropriate.

Her girls always dress fashionable, but modest. I asked their mom her trick. She simply replied, "We've mastered the art of layering." If a sweater's v-neck is too low, then they add a cami or a tanktop. Skirt too revealing? Add tights. Layering usually does the trick.

My wife Lori and I have definitely gleaned some wisdom from this family. But reaching for the sky and touching your toes doesn't cover everything. What about bathing suits in the summer time? What about leggings and yoga pants?

The appropriateness of bathing suits will always create an interesting discussion in Christian circles, and these often vary by geography. People who grow up on a California or Florida beach have seen bikinis since the day they were born. I've made it simple with my girls. They can wear bikinis with family and their girl friends. But when their teenaged guy friends are around...it's one-pieces or tankinis.

None of these rules are rules "just because I said so." I regularly talk with my girls about how visually stimulated guys are. I point out "sexualization" in the mall and in the media, using every opportunity to talk with them about true beauty. Furthermore, I let them know that "sexy" is not bad. God made sexy, and someday their husband is going to love their sexiness as well as many other qualities. But they don't need to advertise that to everyone right now.

The key to all of this is frequent conversations where parents have the opportunity to instill Biblical values.

Many parents look for the latest parenting fad to help their kids grow into mature adults. Yet one key component for building kids' lives is right in front of them: investing time, energy, and a commitment to "be there" for their kids. A regular, one-on-one 'date night' with each of your teenagers is a great place to begin intentionally investing in the overall health and growth of your child.

Here are five tips for having a great 'date night' with your kids:

1) Choose to do something your kids want to do. Sometimes, when parents want to do something together with their kids, they'll select an activity that they have interest in, but their kids do not. If you really want to create a positive "date night" culture where your kids want to hang out with you, try doing things that the kids are interested in. And remember, "date nights" don't have to be complicated! They can be as simple as taking your child out to get an ice cream cone or throwing a Frisbee around in the yard.

2) Communicate. Be sure to engage your son or daughter in conversation during your "date night." Don't start by talking about your "list" of concerns you have about your child. Instead, talk about anything and everything. Ask your kids about their interests, opinions, and feelings.

3) Listen. Don't dominate "date night" conversation. Communication is a two way street, so be sure to work at listening. Listening is the language of love. Through listening, you demonstrate that you value your kids. When you take the time to really pay attention, show empathy, and listen---you are taking a key step in connecting with your kids. When kids know that their parents will really listen (instead of immediately "correcting") they will be more willing to talk.

4) Display affection. Even though teenagers are in the process of becoming adults and separating from their parents, they still need your affection. In fact, sexual promiscuity in teenage girls can often be traced back to a desire for (and lack of) affection from their fathers. Dads, be sure to offer your kids genuine affection through loving words, affirmation, encouragement, small gifts, and appropriate touch.

5) Never embarrass your kids in front of their peers. A "date night" activity might take you onto your son or daughter's "territory" -- to a place where they may run into some of their peers. Gentle teasing is one thing, but embarrassing your kids in front of their peers can destroy all of the connection you are working to build with your teen. Show respect to your kids and they'll be more willing to hang out with you---and your "date nights" will be much more enjoyable as well.